"Love Doesn't Hurt or Harm" in Powerful Message about Surviving Intimate Partner Violence
CLICK TO HEAR MORE OF TIFFANY'S POWERFUL STORY AND HER TIPS FOR SURVIVING INTIMATE PARTNER VIOLENCE
Abuse hurts everyone in the family.
“I remember the counselor telling me that my children were very resilient,” says Tiffany, a mother of four and a survivor of intimate partner violence. She “won’t sugarcoat” the reality that leaving an abusive spouse is easy. She endured hard times, struggling to pay bills while anxious and afraid that her children would not find a way through the emotional trauma.
Fortunately, she says, “the tough times didn’t last long and, in the end, it was worth it. We made it.”
While Tiffany courageously shares her story because she wants to encourage others to be safe, we’re honoring her request to not use her full name to protect her privacy.
Tiffany’s story sadly echoes that of many others. One in four women will face a domestic violence situation over their lifetime and are often caught in a cycle of violence with a partner that can last years or decades.
Tiffany was married for 13 years to someone who abused her physically, emotionally and financially. Her husband’s controlling manipulative behaviors caused scars and a level of self-doubt that kept her feeling trapped. He made escape seem impossible, an isolating behavior that often occurs in these relationships.
“He controlled our money. He took my name off of our accounts. He made me doubt that I could earn an income, even though I had been successful in my career before I married him,” she says.
When Tiffany did leave, she had $46 dollars in her pocket “and maybe some change in my car ashtray.” She worked two jobs while she and her children pieced together a new life.
She shares that it is critical to find a counselor who is adept at working with kids who have been exposed to violence in their home. “ I didn’t want my daughters thinking this was ok behavior to accept. I did not want my sons thinking that it was ok behavior to portray… We stayed open and we talked about the aspect of control, the aspect of respect, setting boundaries. You have negotiables and non-negotiables in a relationships. What is acceptable to you and what is not acceptable?”
She shares a powerful message for those living with abuse: there is hope.
“I want to tell them they can make it,” she says. “The first step is to tell someone; tell someone you trust. If you don’t have someone you trust, there are other resources in the community that will help you."
"No one who matters will judge you for wanting to be safe. Sometimes, the stigma is really just in our own heads. You will have more support than you realize. There is something better on the other side.”
She wants parents to remember that their most important role calls us them to protect their children safe and give them the stability they need to lead healthy, happy lives.
Her epiphany moment came the day she had to once again call the police. Her abuser had torn up the house and thrown a television set at her. One of the female responding officers came down to the basement where Tiffany was sitting alone. The officer told her that her husband was not going to change.
And then, Tiffany clearly remembers, the officer said: “If you don’t leave, I’m going to take your children.”
She knew the officer meant that her children were not safe. Everything clicked into focus: “I realized it was more about my children than me, even though it was about me too. I still don’t know the officer’s name but I will never forget the impact she made on my family and me. I owe her our lives.”
Tiffany’s family hurt together and they have healed together. They made it. Others can too.
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